Well, not sure if it's because I have been so busy or what, but I am at a lull. Lulls aren't a bad thing of course. There have been a few things I have thought about and that I have tossed around, but there's one for now that keeps coming back to me. It's easier to respect my husband when he is gone rather that when he is here. For those of you who have known Brent and I through our dating period and even just when he would call every once in a while, our beginnings started over the phone. Innocent phone calls that didn't grow into anything until I was not in a relationship. Phone calls that would occur once a month, then after I wasn't in a relationship any longer, he would call twice a month and then it became every week, and then every day, then 6 hours a day. Hey, we were crazy and well, for those of you who know Brent, he's long winded. lol. Ok, ok, I am. Anyway, my point is that we started out, oh well, we were apparently friends and hung out with the same friends while in youth group, but I don't remember him very much. Whoops! So from the time he started calling.. then it gradually grew the summer before college for me, everything about us was over the phone. I did go and visit him in Germany for 5 weeks and that pretty much was a make or break point. We had talked on the phone so long and hadn't seen each other in a year and a half. How would we be around each other? Of course, almost 9 years later this January, we obviously hit it off. I have to say though, and I am pretty sure I speak for just me here, I have this tendency to fairy tale things. I focus on all the good things about Brent while he is away and forget all about the things that bug me or annoy me. I'm pretty sure that's a general consensus. We were raised differently, we see things differently, we do things differently. Those first few months of marriage were hard for me. There were times that I would sit back and be like, "Who on earth is this person?" It's not because he wasn't that person all along, it's because I built up this expectation of a person from phone calls. It's the same every time Brent is gone. I have these expectations I put on him that he in no way can achieve, so when he comes back and he isn't the person I have built him up to be in my head, I look down on him. I judge him. I criticize him. On everything! He honestly can never do anything right at times. Well, right in my eyes. So again, I have to go back to seeing my husband through God's eyes. I need to stop putting these unrealistic expectations on him. I need to stop trying to change him and shape and mold him bc that's really not my job. What I really need to be doing is praying for him. Praying for God's guidance, His protection not only in safety issues like driving to work or flying or something, but also protection of the mind. There are a lot of temptations out there and the enemy is coming at both of us constantly! I also need to be praying for protection of my own mind, my thoughts. Ladies, I'm not sure about any of you, but I know for me when Brent and I argue, boy oh boy. The thoughts that run through my head. "Well fine, if he doesn't want to.. I'm going to do it myself! Oh I can't believe he said that to me so insensitive like that.." And on and on it goes, sometimes for days! And let me tell you, when my poor unexpectant husband tries to hug me or encourage me, it's unleashed! The poor guy is standing there baffled because not only am I unleashing, I am also unleashing this argument that has been going on in my head for days and I am angry at him for words he never even spoke to me. And there are times that I resolve an argument in my head. Ladies, you know what I am talking about here? Is this normal? I'm not sure, but I know it's not healthy. So, I pray that my every thought is taken into captivity. A sweet friend gave me a note card with a verse on it. "8 Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Phil. 4:8 She gave it to me quite a few months ago and I tucked it away in a Bible I hadn't used in a while. I was nervous about starting a new job and out fell this card with such a sweet reminder. What a great verse to help my thoughts stay focused on God. To not let the enemy come in and just down-spiral my thoughts. Those thoughts can be dangerous not only to me, but to my husband and our children. There is nothing good that comes from those thoughts..
Ps.. I don't think I even came close to talking about the difficulties of respecting Brent while he is home vs. while he is away. For another night then... Guess my Papa had other plans. :)
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