Ding!

It has been quite some time since I've written. I guess that means that I have it all figured out and there is no need to write/think it out any more. Glad that is over. lol. Well no of course. The last few weeks have had it's ups and downs. If there's one thing I notice is that for me there are good days or weeks where I don't feel that pull or that need to rise up against Brent. Then there are those times when I really could care less and just say and do what I please. I know that sin nature plays a huge role of course.
  (Eve! a little side note.. apparently I have expressed my Eve!ness to my kids and now I'll hear the kids talking about when Adam and Eve sinned and I'll over hear, Man Eve! Hehe.. kind of funny to me. Makes me chuckle a bit) 
I also know that we are in a constant battle with our flesh. I do have to say that I feel a change in myself. Not patting myself on the back here.. far from it. In fact I feel as though I still have more to learn on respecting Brent. I feel a peace. Over the last few weeks I feel as though the light bulb went on. Ding! I got it! Funny how when I seem to be getting it, the enemy is right there to boost my self esteem. "Good job Katie!" Pat on the back. Yes for a short few days I did want to pat myself on the back because things were running smoothly and I was understanding what it meant to be a respectful wife, but I was quickly reminded with a few moody weeks inbetween, that I did not gain that knowledge on my own. Oh how quickly we fall and I have to say, how thankful I am that God doesn't allow me to stay in that place. I am thankful for His sometimes gentle reminder that it is He and only He who reveals those things to me. 
It is quite interesting how God works when I ask Him for certain things, well even when I don't, but especially when I do. It isn't about finding the answer. Why can't I respect Brent? Or why do I have an attitude? What it's really about comes no where close to my attitude with Brent but my attitude with God. 
I love hearing other wives talk about their husbands. Not in a bad way, but in that mushy gushy way. You know, the girl who just married and is so blissfully and wonderfully in love with her husband. You paint this picture in your mind about who this man is and through her eyes what a wonderful man he is. What I love even more is a woman who has been married to her hero for years and paints this beautiful picture of who her husband is through God's eyes. Never a hint of his failures. Never dishonoring or disrespecting who he is as a man, a husband, a father. I love to hear how she is still so mushy gushy in love with her man. Her words are honoring and building her husband up. I can't say that mine have always been that way or that I don't find myself leaving a conversation thinking, "Was that honoring my husband?" I can't say I always walking away knowing I was honoring with my words. Sometimes I get so carried away in conversation I sit back and think, "Did I just say that?" 
So yeah, that's where I am at right now. Still reading, still diving, still learning. 

The Heart Speaks Volumes

As I was studying words, lips, tongue, and speak this week, God brought something else to my attention. Over the last few weeks, God has been showing me that I have a critical heart. Now, it's not toward everyone. He's showed me that I have a critical heart toward my husband. Awesome. So why just him? I'm not sure really. Regardless, I do. "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Matt. 12:34b (I guess I answered my own question here) What an amazing verse! God has been hitting me over the head with this in the messages at church, conversations with my Hunny, and through His Word and I'm now finally starting to see it. The root of what I have been looking for has been inside me all along, my heart. Where is my heart toward my husband? Am I seeing him through God's eyes? Am I extending him grace as he is a sinner just like me? Am I allowing myself to trust God with my husband? Where does my heart lie? My heart is searching. Searching His Love Letter so that I can be the wife God intends me to be. This last Sunday I was encouraged by what Pastor Kory said.. "The transforming of the heart happens through the studying and reading of the Word." So I am going to keep going and keep searching and keep reading. I'm going to keep praying and continue having this amazing relationship with my Papa because..
"17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand, I awake, and I am still with you."
"23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! 24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139: 17-18, 23-24

How Deep the Father's Love 
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Because of His deep, great love for me. That's why I keep going. 

Words to the Wise

Earlier this week I had a horrible morning. God called to my heart, so I sat at His feet and was filled with His Word. I prayed and sobbed and asked for forgiveness. As I sat for a little bit, I started thinking of my words and how great of an impact my words and my actions have on not only the family and friends around me, but what great impact it has on my husband and our kids. I sat down and wrote Speak in my notebook that I use when I am digging deeper in God's Word. So I went to my concordance and looked up all the verses dealing with the word, "speak". Then I wrote "Word(s)", "Lips", "Tongue". I was amazed by how many verses there were in my concordance alone. From just the ones I picked out from my Bible for all 4 words were 47. That's not including the verses that I didn't look up or the many verses that my concordance doesn't even touch on! That's incredible! I am guessing that God wants me to know just how important my words are and when to speak and when to listen. There were an overwhelming amount of verses that God used to speak to me on Monday morning. If I wrote them all out, well, it would be a lot of verses because as I looked at the surrounding verses to each passage, I saw that it wasn't just the verse that was important, it was the passage or the verses before or after that verse. Here are a few verses that really spoke to my heart..

"And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father though Him." Colossians 3:17

"25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil." Ephesians 4:25-27

"When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent." Proverbs 10:19

"A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated." Proverbs 14:17

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body." Proverbs 16:24

"27 Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. 28 Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent." Prov. 17: 27-28

"A fools lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invited a beating." Prov. 18:6

And those are barely grazing all the verses! My heart was filled that day sitting at His feet. Verse after verse showing me that what I say should not be taken lightly and that the words from my mouth should line up with what scripture says. I am an example to our children and am to be not only teaching them the Biblical response to things, but also living out the Word. The words that came out of my mouth that morning are covered by His blood and I am thankful. Now what am I going to do with what He showed me that morning? 

Resistance

Friday was the big day! I finally got to talk to Brent after 2 long weeks of silence. I have to say, it didn't go as I had thought. Oh I was excited to hear from him and was definitely ready for him to be home soon, but as we started talking that night, I felt a resistance rising up inside me. Oh sure, it's easier to respect Brent while he is gone more than it is to respect him while he is physically here. When he is home I am face to face with actually having to work at my marriage and having to respect him. There isn't the face to face interaction and if we get in an argument on the phone, I know that by the next time we talk on the phone, things will have calmed down, blown over, and we will be able to keep going. Not face to face for me. Reality sets in and I won't be able to just hang up the phone and wait for things to blow over. It's what I've known since we were dating. It is easier for me to talk to my husband over the phone about things than it is face to face. We dated for 1.5 years and out of that 1.5 years, we physically saw each other about 2 months total. Resistance. I do have to say though that I only felt that the first time we talked on Friday. One thing that I have learned through this short period of blogging is that when I feel that way or start to focus on all the negative things or my thoughts run wild on me, I have to run to the scripture. Friday night I wanted to run to my Bible and start researching and reading and looking things up because I know that is where truth lies. I might not fully know where God will take me or what all of this is about, but I sure do know that my place of refuge is in Christ. I didn't actually get a chance to dive in like I had wanted to, but a verse from last time I blogged really stuck out to me when I thought of that resistance I felt toward Brent. "8 Be sober minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world." 1 Peter 5:8-9 'Resist him' That part of the verse stuck out so much in my head the last few days. The enemy wants me to fail. He wants me to feel that resistance to my husband and not to himself. So those feelings of resistance toward Brent coming home and actually having to put what I am learning into practice, although a little scary, are feelings not placed there by my Papa. They are the enemy's way of distracting me and causing me to doubt all that God is doing and teaching me and what I am learning through all of this. As for right now, this minute, my focus is on God and the things He is showing me. I know that I will have to adjust and then readjust and then readjust to the adjusting. lol. I'll have to adjust to him being home and then leaving again. Sigh. I know that the next few weeks will be a roller coaster of emotions as each time apart and each time we reunite, there is always an adjusting period. Relearning to physically include daddy into our lives. It's easy to keep him fresh in our minds as we go around the table talking about our favorite things about daddy. We include daddy in spirit and keep on going. It's hard to get into a routine, have him come home, adjust for a few months, try to include him in everything we do, and then just watch him walk out the door again. It's probably the thing I hate the most about being married to the Army. As for right now, that is life. (written a few days ago before Brent came home)

So Where 's the Balance?

Busy ~ engaged in action, being in use, full of activity, foolish or intrusively active, full of distraction. Busywork ~ work that usually appears productive or of intrinsic value but actually only keeps one occupied.
"4 Do not let my heart incline to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deeds in company with men who work iniquity" Psalm 141:4
Idle ~ lacking worth or basis, not occupied or employed: as having no employment, not turned to normal or appropriate use, not scheduled to compete, having no evident lawful means of support
Lazy ~ disinclined to activity or exertion; not energetic or vigorous, encouraging inactivity or indolence, moving slowly, placed on it's side, not rigorous or strict
"15 Slothfulness casts into a deep sleep, and an idle person will suffer hunger." Proverbs 19:15
"13 Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not." 1 Timothy 5:13
So where's the balance? I have to say that when I am busy, I seem to forget what needs to be changed in me. I seem to be too busy to hear God speaking. I forget that honoring my husband is something that I have to work at, not something that gets pushed to the side because it doesn't fit with my plans to keep moving forward. On the flip side, if I slow down, I think of everything. I have more time to think about the good or bad things I like or don't like about my husband. I have more time to stew on an argument we had 3 days ago. (just throwing out examples.. still can't talk to Brent just yet) So where is the balance. If I'm too busy I ignore whatever is going on and just keep going. If I'm idle long enough, I focus on all the negative things. Not always, but a lot of the time, especially when I am able to talk with Brent or he's here with us. I guess that's what God says, "8  Be sober minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 I don't really think it matters to Satan how busy or idle we are, he still knows our weaknesses and pounces on them like a lion. What a powerful image that is of the lion. If I were lost in Africa, I am pretty sure that I would want to be drunk, over-tired, or in la la land. If I were, there's no way I would survive. "Be sober minded; be watchful." What an amazing Papa. He is warning me. I can't be sober minded or watchful if I am too busy or distracted. And I can't be sober minded and watchful when I am being idle. So I'm brought back to the question, where's my balance? How do I balance and juggle between being busy and being idle? Honestly the first thing that came to mind was at Jesus' feet. 
While being busy, I haven't had time to sit and ponder on what needs to be changed in me. I haven't had time to sit and think about where my husband falls short. I do tend to think more about all of that when I am not so busy, but then I just turn on the tv like any person and drown out my problems. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming I just want to escape. And my problems aren't even that huge. I'm pretty sure that's not the right response. As I've written before "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matt. 11:28. I guess that is where my answer lies, in Christ. He will show me, He will teach me. 
God really has been bringing 1 Peter 5:8 to my attention with being busy. As I went to go and look up the passage, I kept reading. "9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:9-10 God's promise. That in resisting the temptation to be too busy or too idle, God will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me. I'm also encouraged knowing that I am not the only one that goes through all of this. I am encouraged that there are other women who are out there going through the same things as I am. It makes me not feel so isolated and alone in this struggle of honoring my husband... 

A Little Off Course..

Well, not sure if it's because I have been so busy or what, but I am at a lull. Lulls aren't a bad thing of course. There have been a few things I have thought about and that I have tossed around, but there's one for now that keeps coming back to me. It's easier to respect my husband when he is gone rather that when he is here. For those of you who have known Brent and I through our dating period and even just when he would call every once in a while, our beginnings started over the phone. Innocent phone calls that didn't grow into anything until I was not in a relationship. Phone calls that would occur once a month, then after I wasn't in a relationship any longer, he would call twice a month and then it became every week, and then every day, then 6 hours a day. Hey, we were crazy and well, for those of you who know Brent, he's long winded. lol. Ok, ok, I am. Anyway, my point is that we started out, oh well, we were apparently friends and hung out with the same friends while in youth group, but I don't remember him very much. Whoops! So from the time he started calling.. then it gradually grew the summer before college for me, everything about us was over the phone. I did go and visit him in Germany for 5 weeks and that pretty much was a make or break point. We had talked on the phone so long and hadn't seen each other in a year and a half. How would we be around each other? Of course, almost 9 years later this January, we obviously hit it off. I have to say though, and I am pretty sure I speak for just me here, I have this tendency to fairy tale things. I focus on all the good things about Brent while he is away and forget all about the things that bug me or annoy me. I'm pretty sure that's a general consensus. We were raised differently, we see things differently, we do things differently. Those first few months of marriage were hard for me. There were times that I would sit back and be like, "Who on earth is this person?" It's not because he wasn't that person all along, it's because I built up this expectation of a person from phone calls. It's the same every time Brent is gone. I have these expectations I put on him that he in no way can achieve, so when he comes back and he isn't the person I have built him up to be in my head, I look down on him. I judge him. I criticize him. On everything! He honestly can never do anything right at times. Well, right in my eyes. So again, I have to go back to seeing my husband through God's eyes. I need to stop putting these unrealistic expectations on him. I need to stop trying to change him and shape and mold him bc that's really not my job. What I really need to be doing is praying for him. Praying for God's guidance, His protection not only in safety issues like driving to work or flying or something, but also protection of the mind. There are a lot of temptations out there and the enemy is coming at both of us constantly! I also need to be praying for protection of my own mind, my thoughts. Ladies, I'm not sure about any of you, but I know for me when Brent and I argue, boy oh boy. The thoughts that run through my head. "Well fine, if he doesn't want to.. I'm going to do it myself! Oh I can't believe he said that to me so insensitive like that.." And on and on it goes, sometimes for days! And let me tell you, when my poor unexpectant husband tries to hug me or encourage me, it's unleashed! The poor guy is standing there baffled because not only am I unleashing, I am also unleashing this argument that has been going on in my head for days and I am angry at him for words he never even spoke to me. And there are times that I resolve an argument in my head. Ladies, you know what I am talking about here? Is this normal? I'm not sure, but I know it's not healthy. So, I pray that my every thought is taken into captivity. A sweet friend gave me a note card with a verse on it. "8 Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Phil. 4:8 She gave it to me quite a few months ago and I tucked it away in a Bible I hadn't used in a while. I was nervous about starting a new job and out fell this card with such a sweet reminder. What a great verse to help my thoughts stay focused on God. To not let the enemy come in and just down-spiral my thoughts. Those thoughts can be dangerous not only to me, but to my husband and our children. There is nothing good that comes from those thoughts..

Ps.. I don't think I even came close to talking about the difficulties of respecting Brent while he is home vs. while he is away. For another night then... Guess my Papa had other plans. :)

God Knew I Needed This Today

I was reading of King Joash today in 2 Chronicles 24. (Ps. There is so much more to this story.. I am just going to sum it up and give the highlights. I really encourage you to read before this passage and after. It's realy quite interesting) I read about his rise to being king and his fall as king. He was raised by a priest and his wife and after the priest died, other princes came and through their influence, he turned away from God. I mean, this king had restored the house of God and now after his biggest influence, the priest, dies, he listens to these princes and abandons God. God sends prophets to try to bring him back to God, but he refused and didn't listen to them. Then God sent the priest's son Zechariah, and the king had him stoned. How sad is it that this man goes from following God to rejecting him in such a short time? Through this whole passage, God really brought to my attention the power of influence. I think it's so neat that as I am getting further into this journey, God shows me this. A reminder of how easily the wrong influences can take me away from God and how the right influences can draw me closer to God. I am also reminded of how easily I can influence my husband and my children. Seeing this passage encourages me to be a godly influence to my husband, my kids, and others around me. I remember back in Ladies Bible Study learning the power of influence through studying Eve. I know I mentioned Eve earlier, but she is such a great example of how much I can influence my husband. Am I influencing him in a godly way or am I influencing him in a negative way? Am I being influenced by godly people? I see how rapidly a person can go from glorifying God and following His leading to abandoning God. In abandoning God, I see how quickly a person can go from doing what they want which will eventually lead to their destruction. I don't want to be that person. There are many times when the easy thing for me to do is really what I want. And I have to admit that there are times that I do just that. I don't talk with God about it, I don't wait for confirmation and in the end I am just doing what I want and saying it is for God. There are times when I would rather let my frustration out on the kids instead of holding it together and showing them a loving, God honoring response. Am I showing Jesus to my husband? My kids? How much of an influence do I really have? Well.. I see that on the not so crabby days, things run smoothly. I am level headed, calm, and seem to handle major crisis like it was nothing. On the "You'd better watch out because I'm in no mood" days, it seems as though there is a never ending down spiral in our family until I stop and change my attitude. There are many days that I pray every couple minutes even seconds because it's just not a good day and the kids are non-stop fighting and it's raining and the dog got out again and.. and.. the list could go on and on. I can't say it's always me, but on the days it is, I know it is. So digging deeper.. who are some examples of negative influence? Well of course Eve. She chose to eat the apple even though she knew what God had said and then influenced Adam to eat it too. Painful childbirth (Grrr Eve!), work the land, kicked out of Eden. Sarah. She convinced her husband Abraham to marry Hagar and bear a child so that they could fulfill God's promise. Not such a great idea to take matters into your own hands, ever. Hagar bore a son and Sarah pretty much kicked them out. Eventually God did bless them with a child, Isaac. So who are some examples of good influences? First that comes to mind is Esther. Even though she was not allowed to come before the king without being summoned, she came on behalf of her people the Jews. In coming to the king not summoned, in the end she saved her people by pleading for her life and the lives of her people. She influenced her husband in a good way that kept the Jews from being completely obliterated. Ruth. I love the book of Ruth and Esther. Ruth came and laid at the feet of Boaz (through a serious of events). She came because he was her kinsman redeemer. She influenced him in a quiet gentle way by just being herself, and some help from Naomi, her mother in law. Boaz took notice of her and had heard of her coming with Naomi from Moab to care for her and follow Naomi's God. And through all the series of events, Boaz took her to be his wife. It's such a beautiful book, I know that I am not doing it justice, that or Esther. The power of influence is very great. Whether I am being a negative influence and bringing my husband and children away from God or whether I am being a positive influence and directing them to God, either way is very powerful. Sometimes it is a little overwhelming to think about really. How many times have I been a stumbling block? Influence. Definitely something to think more about. I am thankful for such an amazing reminder today! :) God definitely knew that I needed this today! :)      

I Just Might Be Seeing Things...

It's been a crazy few days. Making a cake, getting stung by a bee, going to Urgent Care because of said bee, running around like a chicken with her head cut off to get school stuff for the kids, and on and on. I have to say though that Sunday morning was probably the best part of my weekend. I started going to Calvary North Country in June 2011 and have loved it from the first service attended. The last month/month and a half have been really convicting for me. It's there that God revealed to me that I had a critical heart toward my husband and limiting God with my unbelief. "Don't let the enemy plant a seed of unbelief for your spouse 'they'll never change' ( <--I think this can also include myself, which is how I looked at it), Embrace them, love them. God has covered your sins. Extend that forgiveness to others." (Pastor Kory Wells) Then this last Sunday we talked about Herod when he was swayed by his wife and his people. Herod came into a relationship with his brother's wife, John the Baptist said that was no good, and Herod imprisoned him, but didn't kill him due to his fear and superstition. Then his wife's daughter danced for him, he made an oath that she could have whatever she wanted, and her request was John the Baptist's head on a platter which was a request made by his wife through her daughter. He of course had to honor his oath and put John to death. There were quite a few things that spoke to me while listening to the message yesterday. One thing that stood out to me was this, "What is more important, what the multitude says? Or what God says?". This was very eye opening for me with the start of this journey to be the wife God intends me to be. Should I listen to the world on who a wife should be? Or am I listening to God on who, as His child and a wife, I am supposed to be. I've always had a hard time balancing between God and my husband. Is that awful to admit? Sometimes I put my husband before God. I know THAT is horrible to admit. And I hesitate to even write it. But if I am going to change, I have to be honest. Again, I know that there is always that struggle between balancing between God and husband. "32 I want to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly thing, how to please his wife. 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or the betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband." 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. I think that Paul was onto something here. My heart feels divided. I hear all the time to listen to God or to follow His leading. Well I have tried that. There have been times where I really feel God calling me to do something, but when I come to my husband with it, it doesn't always happen. Did I misread or misunderstand what God was saying? Am I not communicating with my husband like I should be on these things? Do I follow God's leading or follow my husband's leading? I'm not saying my husband is this horrible person by all means. I get so wrapped up in doing as I please, to a certain extent, while Brent is gone, that it's hard to then communicate what God is showing me while he is gone and while he is home. I am learning though what confirmation from the Lord is through my Pastor and his wife. I am learning that if God is really calling me to do something that He will not only confirm it to me through His Word, but He will also confirm it to my husband through His Word. Sometimes I forget that and my thoughts get focused on what my husband is "limiting" me on. Sometimes I choose to listen to the multitude on what my 'rights' as a wife are and ignore what God says about the beauty of being a submissive wife. Maybe I have known all along how to be respectful but ignore it. I've been reading through the Old Testament and over and over again God has shown me all the different kings who "did what was evil in the sight of the Lord". Let me tell you, 10 out of 10 times that king did not have a long healthy life. In fact, their lives were destroyed. They chose to do what they wanted to do and not what was pleasing to God. 10 out of 10 times the kings who "did what was right in the sight of the Lord"  were blessed by God and their kingdoms flourished. So maybe I have this blurred idea/thought of how marriage works and what my role as a wife should be. My pastor made this comment in his message on Sunday.. "If our thoughts go against what God says, we are wrong." I think I am beginning to really understand what it means to submit to my husband. I feel as though what I learned a few years back was just scratching the surface of understanding what God intended for husbands and wives in marriage. It's as though I got just enough for me to get by as a wife. I stopped digging. Check, I'm good! No need to go any further. I was wrong. I should have kept digging deeper into God's Word. Although, I might not have been ready at that time to understand more, God works in His timing, not ours. Of course I can't go back, so I'm going forward, and I have to say, I am really loving going deeper into God's Word. For the first time in a few months, I have been excited to sit and read at my Papa's feet. I sit down now and instead of reading one chapter, it's two or three. I'm not able to read that much everyday, but my heart yearns for more, to go deeper. I am so excited to learn more and see more of where God will take me! :)

Welcome Back Feelings! Oh How I Have Missed You!

Since starting this adventure, I have learned a lot about myself. Yesterday night I was sitting watching The Avengers and all of a sudden, I missed Brent. I mean, it's not as though I haven't missed Brent before. I always miss him when he is gone, but lately I've had this numb feeling about, well, my feelings. The last time he left for school everything seemed to go wrong. We had just moved into our house a week before he left for 2 months and boy was that an adventure without him being here. What could go wrong seemed to have gone wrong. Anyway, that's not what I am writing about. lol. This time though, it seems as though the kids and I had just picked up where we left off while he was gone at school. As if he is a come and go and life goes on, see you when you get back. It's been that way, in a sense, our whole married life. He leaves, we keep going at home, he comes home. He's home for a while, and then he leaves again. It's just a continuous circle. Never-ending. So the last two times he has been gone, I have missed him, but as I've been thinking of this all last night and all day today, I haven't exactly been missing the person, just what he does when he is at home. Missing the freedom without the kids when I go to the grocery store or not having to pay a babysitter so I can have a girl's night out. As a military spouse, I'm not sure if shutting those emotions off are supposed to make it easier, but I have found it's just made me feel more distant. For the first time, in quite some time, I miss Brent. I mean actually miss him. It's the deep down, yearning, crying as I am driving to Walmart at 8pm out of no where flood gates miss him. I know God is working in me. I know that He is changing things within me, but for right now, at this very moment, I am so thankful and overjoyed to feel. I can't describe it. I'm not only missing the absence of this person who comes and goes. I am missing the man. My man. I am missing who he is. I am missing how he just makes me so mad when I am trying to talk to him about something that is stressful and he says funny things to get me to laugh just so I am not as stressed. I miss when he tells me to lock myself in our room and read my Bible when I am feeling as though I just can't take another argument among the kids or tattling or spill or whatever else. I miss his laugh. I miss hearing thanks for dinner after we are done eating. Or thanks for breakfast or lunch. Always trying to make an effort even if I don't always notice. I miss the laughter from the kids while their daddy is chasing them around as the tickle monster. lol. He really is an amazing man and I am so blessed to be called his wife. :) Anyway. I just had to share that tonight. 

A Much Needed Reminder

 After writing the last fewdays, I feel I need to pause for second. The last few days have been really heavy and deep for me. Coming away seeing how much of a sinner I am and how often I fail in my marriage, as a parent, as a friend has really effected me and has really challenged me to see what I do know and who am I in Christ. If I stay focused on just my failures, I am going to be one depressed person. So what DO I know? "13For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139: 13-16. I DO know that I was created on purpose, with great thought by my Papa. I'm not just thought of, I was intricately woven/knitted together by God. Not only was I intricately made, my days were already planned before they were even written. So that not only tells me that I am precious in my Papa's eyes because He so tenderly made me, He also knew that I would be run over, I would marry my husband, that I would have these struggles, that I would seek Him for answers, even though I don't fully understand. 
 I also know that I am His child! "6 And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" 7 So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God." Galatians 4:6-7. Because I am His child, I also have the promise of being His heir. And through that, I have a promise of hope! "3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to living hope, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to an inheritance, that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5 who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary you have been by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love Him. 9 Though you so not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9 obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1: 3-9. 
 I just need to be reminded of all of that today. I know I'm not perfect and I know that I fail miserably at times. I know that the enemy can really twist and turn my thoughts and bring out that selfish prideful person. I am respectful of my husband in some areas, but other areas are hard for me to just yield to him. And that is what has set me out on this journey... :)

The 'S' Word...

Submit. Shreeeek!!! Run away! That's exactly what this word makes me feel like doing. The definition of the word submit is "to yield oneself to the authority or will of another; surrender". "Surrender ~ to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another." When I think of the word submit, especially when talking about submitting to my husband, I have such a bad taste in my mouth. Any time I try talking to anyone about being more respectful of my husband, I get the world's response where I am looked at like I am crazy. If anything HE should be giving YOU the respect! You clean the house, make dinner, do the laundry, and on and on it goes. Well, when you put it THAT way... I guess my blog isn't going to be as long as I thought it would be. The End! lol. So instead of instinctively following the advice of others, I dove into God's Word today. Ephesians 5:22-23 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church." Let me tell you, there are many times when I honestly feel that things my husband does or how he wants things run is just plain silly. Apparently it's not the way I would do things, so it must be silly. Right? And then I fight and argue and "put my foot down". And sometimes, not often, I win. Ha ha! I have won! The feeling that 'I have won' out-rules the fact that at what cost did I win? Was winning said battle more important to me than my own marriage? How far am I willing to win? And how far am I willing to stop fighting my marriage and I start fighting for my marriage? It is hard for me to just surrender to my husband. Even reading the definition again of both submit and surrender, my natural reaction is to cringe. There is such negativity that comes from the word Submit. So again, I go to the Word. If you look at the verses just before verse 22 you'll see in Ephesians 5: 20-21, "giving thanks always for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." And directly after that it talks about wives submitting to their husbands. Funny that I read that verse and I can't even describe the excitement I get in submitting to others out of reverence to Christ, my Papa! Just seconds later though I read to submit to my husband and I cringe. Weird. 
I found quite a few verses today, so bear with me...

"Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of your hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening." 1 Peter 3: 3-6

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

"But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God." 1 Corinthians 11:3

What amazingly convicting passages. So in 1 Peter, God is telling me that I am to adorn myself with a quiet and gentle spirit? That I am to submit to my husband as Sarah did to Abraham? And she called him lord? What? My heart. Where is my heart right now? God says that a wife's inward beauty is precious in His sight. Precious. I have no words to describe what I am feeling other than I can in no way ever fully understand how deep my Papa's love for me goes. I see myself as one thing and He sees me as someone completely different. No, I don't feel very precious and I don't feel that I even come close to having a quiet and gentle heart when it comes to submitting to my husband. But God calls this precious. I'm pretty sure that our world or society wouldn't call being submissive very precious. So why? Why do I need to be submissive to my husband? Well, God showed me in 1 Corinthians that Christ is the head of every man. That the head of a wife is her own husband. And that God is the head of Christ. The word that comes to mind is from a book I read a while back in a book club. Trust. In reality, I fight submitting because deep down, for some reason (and I'll get to that), I don't trust my husband. Even further than that, I don't trust God with my husband. Oh I trust God with the little things and even the big things, but my husband? God has put my husband as the head of our home, our family, me. Somewhere between God showing me that in the book and now, I have forgotten about trusting God. I have forgotten that God is ultimately leading my husband who is leading me. My husband is in the Word, prays daily, stands firm to what he believes is right, and much more. So being reminded that by trusting my husband I am in reality trusting God, why is it so hard to submit still? Is it the constant back and forth of being dad and mom while he is gone? Is it because I think I know better than him? Why? I just don't know. I look forward though to when God is going to show me why. I look forward to Him cleaning out those rooms I've so desperately tried to keep hidden. 
"7 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Of where shall I flee from your presence? 8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! 9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night.' 12 Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for the darkness is as light with you." Psalm 139: 7-12 

So Who's to Blame? I Mean.. er.. Where to Start?

Well, a few things popped into my head. I could blame the media or the Women's Power movement. Those would be justifiable places to shift the blame. I mean, with all these shows that make the dad look like a goof and the mom look like the one in charge, who would blame a girl for "being influenced" by them and believing them? Well, although I do see that shift has occurred, I think it would be too easy to say that it was media influence or that it was because of a movement that happened before I was even born. It's an easy out, too easy. Well, alrighty, where can I go from there? Eve! The next best logical choice. Eve ate the apple. Right? Causing all woman kind to bear such great pain in childbirth. Eve. That has to be it. But as I see in Genesis 3:9-13, Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the Serpent. Hm. Well, if you continue to read in chapter 3 you will find that God curses the serpent, tells Eve that childbirth will hurt (thanks Eve) and that "your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you". Meaning that God knew that there would always be a constant struggle for power in the marriage relationship. God then continues on with Adam saying (now this is very important for me and a huge eye opener I learned earlier last year in Bible Study), "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, 'You shall not eat of it', cursed is the ground because of you:" (Gen. 3:17) Wow! So because of Eve influencing her husband, because he listened to her, the fall of man began. Eve had a choice when listening to the serpent. A choice. Me. I am to blame for me. Not the media, a movement, or even Eve. Eve had a choice to listen to God, but chose not to. I also have a choice. Yes, the fall of man does play a huge role in all our lives with sin, but we always have a choice of whether to cave into temptation and believe the lies that Satan is telling us or to choose to take every thought into captivity and reject the enemy. So even though there might be outside influences that would teach me or tell me that I have every right to... fill in the blank. Or it's not your fault.. society has taught you that... I still have a choice. And for reasons not shown to me at this time, I am choosing not to listen. Just as the power of that fruit was so tempting and irresistible to Eve, so is the power in my marriage. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." Eph. 5:22-24
"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Eph. 5:33
Why is this so hard for me? It's not like God is asking me in these verses to respect or submit to my husband. No, He is commanding me to be respectful and submit to my husband. Not as a slave or not as a doormat, but that like a church submits to Christ. As Eph. 5:22 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." We teach our children that when they disobey, they are not only disobeying us, but they are ultimately disobeying God. These verses are a really good reminder for me that I am not just submitting to my husband, who God has placed as the head of our home, I am ultimately submitting to God, my Savior, my Papa. How convicting the day has been as I dive into God's Love Letter in search of the root of it all. The root as to why it's so hard to yield. I have so much more to learn, so much further to go. All joking aside as to who is to blame for my unwillingness to yield, I know I have a lot of time on my knees ahead of me because I know that I am ultimately the one to blame for my own stubbornness. Funny thing about my stubbornness is that I can't even seem to get on my knees. That's another why question. Setting all the stubbornness aside for a second, I love my husband. No doubt about it. There is no one like that man of mine and I couldn't feel more blessed to be called his wife. No matter how much I love him though, that's not what God has told me to do. Loving him isn't the problem, it's yielding myself to him that is the issue. And that, I continue to search...
"1 Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me! 2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. 5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it." Psalm 139: 1-6
That is why I go to my Papa. He knows me and cares for me and so much more. Who better to go to for answers than my Papa. There's so much more I'd love to write... until next time.    

The Beginning Of A Never Ending Journey

This is my journey as a wife. I have to say that over the last few years, I have really struggled to be respectful of my husband. I didn't realize it was that until we were stationed in Korea and I heard it from my awesome MOPS director Jill. Respecting my husband. What a concept. Between praying and reading my Bible, God showed me what needed to be changed. And let me say, it wasn't easy. Well, a few years later and I feel like I am right back in the same boat. I'm not sure if it's because God is constantly changing us as husband and wife, our likes and dislikes, or if I've fallen into the habit of holding onto his responsibilities. Feeling this sense of entitlement. I bore the children. I stay home with them. I carry all the responsibility while he is gone anyway, so why not continue. Some of that conscious and some unconscious that God has brought to my attention. Somewhere along the way, I have forgotten to see my husband through Jesus' eyes. I have failed to see that he is human too and continually fail to respect him unconditionally. This will not be a husband bashing blog. This will not be a blog where I complain and belittle my husband. This blog is a blog for me. This is a blog for my failures and for what God teaches me. On the flip side, I have to remember that without my husband (and God of course), we wouldn't have our children that I "bore myself". I wouldn't be able to be a stay at home mom without my husband supporting me. And just because I am home and "carry ALL (rolling my eyes) the responsibilities" of being home while he is away doesn't mean for a second that he isn't wishing he were home to take on those responsibilities. So why is it so hard for me to yield to my husband? Why is it so hard for me to, at the root of it, yield to God when it comes my to husband? Where does this feeling of entitlement come from? Well, I am going to find out. There was a point where after we left Korea, being respectful was more of a check off on my list. Work on myself. Check. Work on my marriage. Double check. How foolish. I know that God is constantly shaping and molding me. I know that no matter what, He will not be done shaping and molding me until He takes me Home. I also know that I can't change without God. So here we go...
"Lord, here I am again. Sitting at your feet, frustrated, confused, and just plain tired. I am tired of trying to do this marriage thing on my own, without you. Lord go into the dark rooms of my heart, the rooms I have shut off to you, and show me, change me, shape me, and mold me. Lord teach me. My Papa, my God. Help me surrender whatever needs to be surrendered so that I can glorify you in all my relationships, with you, my husband, my kids, my family, my friends. Papa, you promise "Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30"