The Heart Speaks Volumes

As I was studying words, lips, tongue, and speak this week, God brought something else to my attention. Over the last few weeks, God has been showing me that I have a critical heart. Now, it's not toward everyone. He's showed me that I have a critical heart toward my husband. Awesome. So why just him? I'm not sure really. Regardless, I do. "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Matt. 12:34b (I guess I answered my own question here) What an amazing verse! God has been hitting me over the head with this in the messages at church, conversations with my Hunny, and through His Word and I'm now finally starting to see it. The root of what I have been looking for has been inside me all along, my heart. Where is my heart toward my husband? Am I seeing him through God's eyes? Am I extending him grace as he is a sinner just like me? Am I allowing myself to trust God with my husband? Where does my heart lie? My heart is searching. Searching His Love Letter so that I can be the wife God intends me to be. This last Sunday I was encouraged by what Pastor Kory said.. "The transforming of the heart happens through the studying and reading of the Word." So I am going to keep going and keep searching and keep reading. I'm going to keep praying and continue having this amazing relationship with my Papa because..
"17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand, I awake, and I am still with you."
"23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! 24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139: 17-18, 23-24

How Deep the Father's Love 
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Because of His deep, great love for me. That's why I keep going. 

Words to the Wise

Earlier this week I had a horrible morning. God called to my heart, so I sat at His feet and was filled with His Word. I prayed and sobbed and asked for forgiveness. As I sat for a little bit, I started thinking of my words and how great of an impact my words and my actions have on not only the family and friends around me, but what great impact it has on my husband and our kids. I sat down and wrote Speak in my notebook that I use when I am digging deeper in God's Word. So I went to my concordance and looked up all the verses dealing with the word, "speak". Then I wrote "Word(s)", "Lips", "Tongue". I was amazed by how many verses there were in my concordance alone. From just the ones I picked out from my Bible for all 4 words were 47. That's not including the verses that I didn't look up or the many verses that my concordance doesn't even touch on! That's incredible! I am guessing that God wants me to know just how important my words are and when to speak and when to listen. There were an overwhelming amount of verses that God used to speak to me on Monday morning. If I wrote them all out, well, it would be a lot of verses because as I looked at the surrounding verses to each passage, I saw that it wasn't just the verse that was important, it was the passage or the verses before or after that verse. Here are a few verses that really spoke to my heart..

"And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father though Him." Colossians 3:17

"25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil." Ephesians 4:25-27

"When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent." Proverbs 10:19

"A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated." Proverbs 14:17

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body." Proverbs 16:24

"27 Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. 28 Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent." Prov. 17: 27-28

"A fools lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invited a beating." Prov. 18:6

And those are barely grazing all the verses! My heart was filled that day sitting at His feet. Verse after verse showing me that what I say should not be taken lightly and that the words from my mouth should line up with what scripture says. I am an example to our children and am to be not only teaching them the Biblical response to things, but also living out the Word. The words that came out of my mouth that morning are covered by His blood and I am thankful. Now what am I going to do with what He showed me that morning? 

Resistance

Friday was the big day! I finally got to talk to Brent after 2 long weeks of silence. I have to say, it didn't go as I had thought. Oh I was excited to hear from him and was definitely ready for him to be home soon, but as we started talking that night, I felt a resistance rising up inside me. Oh sure, it's easier to respect Brent while he is gone more than it is to respect him while he is physically here. When he is home I am face to face with actually having to work at my marriage and having to respect him. There isn't the face to face interaction and if we get in an argument on the phone, I know that by the next time we talk on the phone, things will have calmed down, blown over, and we will be able to keep going. Not face to face for me. Reality sets in and I won't be able to just hang up the phone and wait for things to blow over. It's what I've known since we were dating. It is easier for me to talk to my husband over the phone about things than it is face to face. We dated for 1.5 years and out of that 1.5 years, we physically saw each other about 2 months total. Resistance. I do have to say though that I only felt that the first time we talked on Friday. One thing that I have learned through this short period of blogging is that when I feel that way or start to focus on all the negative things or my thoughts run wild on me, I have to run to the scripture. Friday night I wanted to run to my Bible and start researching and reading and looking things up because I know that is where truth lies. I might not fully know where God will take me or what all of this is about, but I sure do know that my place of refuge is in Christ. I didn't actually get a chance to dive in like I had wanted to, but a verse from last time I blogged really stuck out to me when I thought of that resistance I felt toward Brent. "8 Be sober minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world." 1 Peter 5:8-9 'Resist him' That part of the verse stuck out so much in my head the last few days. The enemy wants me to fail. He wants me to feel that resistance to my husband and not to himself. So those feelings of resistance toward Brent coming home and actually having to put what I am learning into practice, although a little scary, are feelings not placed there by my Papa. They are the enemy's way of distracting me and causing me to doubt all that God is doing and teaching me and what I am learning through all of this. As for right now, this minute, my focus is on God and the things He is showing me. I know that I will have to adjust and then readjust and then readjust to the adjusting. lol. I'll have to adjust to him being home and then leaving again. Sigh. I know that the next few weeks will be a roller coaster of emotions as each time apart and each time we reunite, there is always an adjusting period. Relearning to physically include daddy into our lives. It's easy to keep him fresh in our minds as we go around the table talking about our favorite things about daddy. We include daddy in spirit and keep on going. It's hard to get into a routine, have him come home, adjust for a few months, try to include him in everything we do, and then just watch him walk out the door again. It's probably the thing I hate the most about being married to the Army. As for right now, that is life. (written a few days ago before Brent came home)

So Where 's the Balance?

Busy ~ engaged in action, being in use, full of activity, foolish or intrusively active, full of distraction. Busywork ~ work that usually appears productive or of intrinsic value but actually only keeps one occupied.
"4 Do not let my heart incline to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deeds in company with men who work iniquity" Psalm 141:4
Idle ~ lacking worth or basis, not occupied or employed: as having no employment, not turned to normal or appropriate use, not scheduled to compete, having no evident lawful means of support
Lazy ~ disinclined to activity or exertion; not energetic or vigorous, encouraging inactivity or indolence, moving slowly, placed on it's side, not rigorous or strict
"15 Slothfulness casts into a deep sleep, and an idle person will suffer hunger." Proverbs 19:15
"13 Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not." 1 Timothy 5:13
So where's the balance? I have to say that when I am busy, I seem to forget what needs to be changed in me. I seem to be too busy to hear God speaking. I forget that honoring my husband is something that I have to work at, not something that gets pushed to the side because it doesn't fit with my plans to keep moving forward. On the flip side, if I slow down, I think of everything. I have more time to think about the good or bad things I like or don't like about my husband. I have more time to stew on an argument we had 3 days ago. (just throwing out examples.. still can't talk to Brent just yet) So where is the balance. If I'm too busy I ignore whatever is going on and just keep going. If I'm idle long enough, I focus on all the negative things. Not always, but a lot of the time, especially when I am able to talk with Brent or he's here with us. I guess that's what God says, "8  Be sober minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 I don't really think it matters to Satan how busy or idle we are, he still knows our weaknesses and pounces on them like a lion. What a powerful image that is of the lion. If I were lost in Africa, I am pretty sure that I would want to be drunk, over-tired, or in la la land. If I were, there's no way I would survive. "Be sober minded; be watchful." What an amazing Papa. He is warning me. I can't be sober minded or watchful if I am too busy or distracted. And I can't be sober minded and watchful when I am being idle. So I'm brought back to the question, where's my balance? How do I balance and juggle between being busy and being idle? Honestly the first thing that came to mind was at Jesus' feet. 
While being busy, I haven't had time to sit and ponder on what needs to be changed in me. I haven't had time to sit and think about where my husband falls short. I do tend to think more about all of that when I am not so busy, but then I just turn on the tv like any person and drown out my problems. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming I just want to escape. And my problems aren't even that huge. I'm pretty sure that's not the right response. As I've written before "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matt. 11:28. I guess that is where my answer lies, in Christ. He will show me, He will teach me. 
God really has been bringing 1 Peter 5:8 to my attention with being busy. As I went to go and look up the passage, I kept reading. "9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:9-10 God's promise. That in resisting the temptation to be too busy or too idle, God will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me. I'm also encouraged knowing that I am not the only one that goes through all of this. I am encouraged that there are other women who are out there going through the same things as I am. It makes me not feel so isolated and alone in this struggle of honoring my husband... 

A Little Off Course..

Well, not sure if it's because I have been so busy or what, but I am at a lull. Lulls aren't a bad thing of course. There have been a few things I have thought about and that I have tossed around, but there's one for now that keeps coming back to me. It's easier to respect my husband when he is gone rather that when he is here. For those of you who have known Brent and I through our dating period and even just when he would call every once in a while, our beginnings started over the phone. Innocent phone calls that didn't grow into anything until I was not in a relationship. Phone calls that would occur once a month, then after I wasn't in a relationship any longer, he would call twice a month and then it became every week, and then every day, then 6 hours a day. Hey, we were crazy and well, for those of you who know Brent, he's long winded. lol. Ok, ok, I am. Anyway, my point is that we started out, oh well, we were apparently friends and hung out with the same friends while in youth group, but I don't remember him very much. Whoops! So from the time he started calling.. then it gradually grew the summer before college for me, everything about us was over the phone. I did go and visit him in Germany for 5 weeks and that pretty much was a make or break point. We had talked on the phone so long and hadn't seen each other in a year and a half. How would we be around each other? Of course, almost 9 years later this January, we obviously hit it off. I have to say though, and I am pretty sure I speak for just me here, I have this tendency to fairy tale things. I focus on all the good things about Brent while he is away and forget all about the things that bug me or annoy me. I'm pretty sure that's a general consensus. We were raised differently, we see things differently, we do things differently. Those first few months of marriage were hard for me. There were times that I would sit back and be like, "Who on earth is this person?" It's not because he wasn't that person all along, it's because I built up this expectation of a person from phone calls. It's the same every time Brent is gone. I have these expectations I put on him that he in no way can achieve, so when he comes back and he isn't the person I have built him up to be in my head, I look down on him. I judge him. I criticize him. On everything! He honestly can never do anything right at times. Well, right in my eyes. So again, I have to go back to seeing my husband through God's eyes. I need to stop putting these unrealistic expectations on him. I need to stop trying to change him and shape and mold him bc that's really not my job. What I really need to be doing is praying for him. Praying for God's guidance, His protection not only in safety issues like driving to work or flying or something, but also protection of the mind. There are a lot of temptations out there and the enemy is coming at both of us constantly! I also need to be praying for protection of my own mind, my thoughts. Ladies, I'm not sure about any of you, but I know for me when Brent and I argue, boy oh boy. The thoughts that run through my head. "Well fine, if he doesn't want to.. I'm going to do it myself! Oh I can't believe he said that to me so insensitive like that.." And on and on it goes, sometimes for days! And let me tell you, when my poor unexpectant husband tries to hug me or encourage me, it's unleashed! The poor guy is standing there baffled because not only am I unleashing, I am also unleashing this argument that has been going on in my head for days and I am angry at him for words he never even spoke to me. And there are times that I resolve an argument in my head. Ladies, you know what I am talking about here? Is this normal? I'm not sure, but I know it's not healthy. So, I pray that my every thought is taken into captivity. A sweet friend gave me a note card with a verse on it. "8 Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Phil. 4:8 She gave it to me quite a few months ago and I tucked it away in a Bible I hadn't used in a while. I was nervous about starting a new job and out fell this card with such a sweet reminder. What a great verse to help my thoughts stay focused on God. To not let the enemy come in and just down-spiral my thoughts. Those thoughts can be dangerous not only to me, but to my husband and our children. There is nothing good that comes from those thoughts..

Ps.. I don't think I even came close to talking about the difficulties of respecting Brent while he is home vs. while he is away. For another night then... Guess my Papa had other plans. :)

God Knew I Needed This Today

I was reading of King Joash today in 2 Chronicles 24. (Ps. There is so much more to this story.. I am just going to sum it up and give the highlights. I really encourage you to read before this passage and after. It's realy quite interesting) I read about his rise to being king and his fall as king. He was raised by a priest and his wife and after the priest died, other princes came and through their influence, he turned away from God. I mean, this king had restored the house of God and now after his biggest influence, the priest, dies, he listens to these princes and abandons God. God sends prophets to try to bring him back to God, but he refused and didn't listen to them. Then God sent the priest's son Zechariah, and the king had him stoned. How sad is it that this man goes from following God to rejecting him in such a short time? Through this whole passage, God really brought to my attention the power of influence. I think it's so neat that as I am getting further into this journey, God shows me this. A reminder of how easily the wrong influences can take me away from God and how the right influences can draw me closer to God. I am also reminded of how easily I can influence my husband and my children. Seeing this passage encourages me to be a godly influence to my husband, my kids, and others around me. I remember back in Ladies Bible Study learning the power of influence through studying Eve. I know I mentioned Eve earlier, but she is such a great example of how much I can influence my husband. Am I influencing him in a godly way or am I influencing him in a negative way? Am I being influenced by godly people? I see how rapidly a person can go from glorifying God and following His leading to abandoning God. In abandoning God, I see how quickly a person can go from doing what they want which will eventually lead to their destruction. I don't want to be that person. There are many times when the easy thing for me to do is really what I want. And I have to admit that there are times that I do just that. I don't talk with God about it, I don't wait for confirmation and in the end I am just doing what I want and saying it is for God. There are times when I would rather let my frustration out on the kids instead of holding it together and showing them a loving, God honoring response. Am I showing Jesus to my husband? My kids? How much of an influence do I really have? Well.. I see that on the not so crabby days, things run smoothly. I am level headed, calm, and seem to handle major crisis like it was nothing. On the "You'd better watch out because I'm in no mood" days, it seems as though there is a never ending down spiral in our family until I stop and change my attitude. There are many days that I pray every couple minutes even seconds because it's just not a good day and the kids are non-stop fighting and it's raining and the dog got out again and.. and.. the list could go on and on. I can't say it's always me, but on the days it is, I know it is. So digging deeper.. who are some examples of negative influence? Well of course Eve. She chose to eat the apple even though she knew what God had said and then influenced Adam to eat it too. Painful childbirth (Grrr Eve!), work the land, kicked out of Eden. Sarah. She convinced her husband Abraham to marry Hagar and bear a child so that they could fulfill God's promise. Not such a great idea to take matters into your own hands, ever. Hagar bore a son and Sarah pretty much kicked them out. Eventually God did bless them with a child, Isaac. So who are some examples of good influences? First that comes to mind is Esther. Even though she was not allowed to come before the king without being summoned, she came on behalf of her people the Jews. In coming to the king not summoned, in the end she saved her people by pleading for her life and the lives of her people. She influenced her husband in a good way that kept the Jews from being completely obliterated. Ruth. I love the book of Ruth and Esther. Ruth came and laid at the feet of Boaz (through a serious of events). She came because he was her kinsman redeemer. She influenced him in a quiet gentle way by just being herself, and some help from Naomi, her mother in law. Boaz took notice of her and had heard of her coming with Naomi from Moab to care for her and follow Naomi's God. And through all the series of events, Boaz took her to be his wife. It's such a beautiful book, I know that I am not doing it justice, that or Esther. The power of influence is very great. Whether I am being a negative influence and bringing my husband and children away from God or whether I am being a positive influence and directing them to God, either way is very powerful. Sometimes it is a little overwhelming to think about really. How many times have I been a stumbling block? Influence. Definitely something to think more about. I am thankful for such an amazing reminder today! :) God definitely knew that I needed this today! :)      

I Just Might Be Seeing Things...

It's been a crazy few days. Making a cake, getting stung by a bee, going to Urgent Care because of said bee, running around like a chicken with her head cut off to get school stuff for the kids, and on and on. I have to say though that Sunday morning was probably the best part of my weekend. I started going to Calvary North Country in June 2011 and have loved it from the first service attended. The last month/month and a half have been really convicting for me. It's there that God revealed to me that I had a critical heart toward my husband and limiting God with my unbelief. "Don't let the enemy plant a seed of unbelief for your spouse 'they'll never change' ( <--I think this can also include myself, which is how I looked at it), Embrace them, love them. God has covered your sins. Extend that forgiveness to others." (Pastor Kory Wells) Then this last Sunday we talked about Herod when he was swayed by his wife and his people. Herod came into a relationship with his brother's wife, John the Baptist said that was no good, and Herod imprisoned him, but didn't kill him due to his fear and superstition. Then his wife's daughter danced for him, he made an oath that she could have whatever she wanted, and her request was John the Baptist's head on a platter which was a request made by his wife through her daughter. He of course had to honor his oath and put John to death. There were quite a few things that spoke to me while listening to the message yesterday. One thing that stood out to me was this, "What is more important, what the multitude says? Or what God says?". This was very eye opening for me with the start of this journey to be the wife God intends me to be. Should I listen to the world on who a wife should be? Or am I listening to God on who, as His child and a wife, I am supposed to be. I've always had a hard time balancing between God and my husband. Is that awful to admit? Sometimes I put my husband before God. I know THAT is horrible to admit. And I hesitate to even write it. But if I am going to change, I have to be honest. Again, I know that there is always that struggle between balancing between God and husband. "32 I want to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly thing, how to please his wife. 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or the betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband." 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. I think that Paul was onto something here. My heart feels divided. I hear all the time to listen to God or to follow His leading. Well I have tried that. There have been times where I really feel God calling me to do something, but when I come to my husband with it, it doesn't always happen. Did I misread or misunderstand what God was saying? Am I not communicating with my husband like I should be on these things? Do I follow God's leading or follow my husband's leading? I'm not saying my husband is this horrible person by all means. I get so wrapped up in doing as I please, to a certain extent, while Brent is gone, that it's hard to then communicate what God is showing me while he is gone and while he is home. I am learning though what confirmation from the Lord is through my Pastor and his wife. I am learning that if God is really calling me to do something that He will not only confirm it to me through His Word, but He will also confirm it to my husband through His Word. Sometimes I forget that and my thoughts get focused on what my husband is "limiting" me on. Sometimes I choose to listen to the multitude on what my 'rights' as a wife are and ignore what God says about the beauty of being a submissive wife. Maybe I have known all along how to be respectful but ignore it. I've been reading through the Old Testament and over and over again God has shown me all the different kings who "did what was evil in the sight of the Lord". Let me tell you, 10 out of 10 times that king did not have a long healthy life. In fact, their lives were destroyed. They chose to do what they wanted to do and not what was pleasing to God. 10 out of 10 times the kings who "did what was right in the sight of the Lord"  were blessed by God and their kingdoms flourished. So maybe I have this blurred idea/thought of how marriage works and what my role as a wife should be. My pastor made this comment in his message on Sunday.. "If our thoughts go against what God says, we are wrong." I think I am beginning to really understand what it means to submit to my husband. I feel as though what I learned a few years back was just scratching the surface of understanding what God intended for husbands and wives in marriage. It's as though I got just enough for me to get by as a wife. I stopped digging. Check, I'm good! No need to go any further. I was wrong. I should have kept digging deeper into God's Word. Although, I might not have been ready at that time to understand more, God works in His timing, not ours. Of course I can't go back, so I'm going forward, and I have to say, I am really loving going deeper into God's Word. For the first time in a few months, I have been excited to sit and read at my Papa's feet. I sit down now and instead of reading one chapter, it's two or three. I'm not able to read that much everyday, but my heart yearns for more, to go deeper. I am so excited to learn more and see more of where God will take me! :)