Welcome Back Feelings! Oh How I Have Missed You!

Since starting this adventure, I have learned a lot about myself. Yesterday night I was sitting watching The Avengers and all of a sudden, I missed Brent. I mean, it's not as though I haven't missed Brent before. I always miss him when he is gone, but lately I've had this numb feeling about, well, my feelings. The last time he left for school everything seemed to go wrong. We had just moved into our house a week before he left for 2 months and boy was that an adventure without him being here. What could go wrong seemed to have gone wrong. Anyway, that's not what I am writing about. lol. This time though, it seems as though the kids and I had just picked up where we left off while he was gone at school. As if he is a come and go and life goes on, see you when you get back. It's been that way, in a sense, our whole married life. He leaves, we keep going at home, he comes home. He's home for a while, and then he leaves again. It's just a continuous circle. Never-ending. So the last two times he has been gone, I have missed him, but as I've been thinking of this all last night and all day today, I haven't exactly been missing the person, just what he does when he is at home. Missing the freedom without the kids when I go to the grocery store or not having to pay a babysitter so I can have a girl's night out. As a military spouse, I'm not sure if shutting those emotions off are supposed to make it easier, but I have found it's just made me feel more distant. For the first time, in quite some time, I miss Brent. I mean actually miss him. It's the deep down, yearning, crying as I am driving to Walmart at 8pm out of no where flood gates miss him. I know God is working in me. I know that He is changing things within me, but for right now, at this very moment, I am so thankful and overjoyed to feel. I can't describe it. I'm not only missing the absence of this person who comes and goes. I am missing the man. My man. I am missing who he is. I am missing how he just makes me so mad when I am trying to talk to him about something that is stressful and he says funny things to get me to laugh just so I am not as stressed. I miss when he tells me to lock myself in our room and read my Bible when I am feeling as though I just can't take another argument among the kids or tattling or spill or whatever else. I miss his laugh. I miss hearing thanks for dinner after we are done eating. Or thanks for breakfast or lunch. Always trying to make an effort even if I don't always notice. I miss the laughter from the kids while their daddy is chasing them around as the tickle monster. lol. He really is an amazing man and I am so blessed to be called his wife. :) Anyway. I just had to share that tonight. 

A Much Needed Reminder

 After writing the last fewdays, I feel I need to pause for second. The last few days have been really heavy and deep for me. Coming away seeing how much of a sinner I am and how often I fail in my marriage, as a parent, as a friend has really effected me and has really challenged me to see what I do know and who am I in Christ. If I stay focused on just my failures, I am going to be one depressed person. So what DO I know? "13For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139: 13-16. I DO know that I was created on purpose, with great thought by my Papa. I'm not just thought of, I was intricately woven/knitted together by God. Not only was I intricately made, my days were already planned before they were even written. So that not only tells me that I am precious in my Papa's eyes because He so tenderly made me, He also knew that I would be run over, I would marry my husband, that I would have these struggles, that I would seek Him for answers, even though I don't fully understand. 
 I also know that I am His child! "6 And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" 7 So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God." Galatians 4:6-7. Because I am His child, I also have the promise of being His heir. And through that, I have a promise of hope! "3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to living hope, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to an inheritance, that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5 who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary you have been by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love Him. 9 Though you so not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9 obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1: 3-9. 
 I just need to be reminded of all of that today. I know I'm not perfect and I know that I fail miserably at times. I know that the enemy can really twist and turn my thoughts and bring out that selfish prideful person. I am respectful of my husband in some areas, but other areas are hard for me to just yield to him. And that is what has set me out on this journey... :)

The 'S' Word...

Submit. Shreeeek!!! Run away! That's exactly what this word makes me feel like doing. The definition of the word submit is "to yield oneself to the authority or will of another; surrender". "Surrender ~ to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another." When I think of the word submit, especially when talking about submitting to my husband, I have such a bad taste in my mouth. Any time I try talking to anyone about being more respectful of my husband, I get the world's response where I am looked at like I am crazy. If anything HE should be giving YOU the respect! You clean the house, make dinner, do the laundry, and on and on it goes. Well, when you put it THAT way... I guess my blog isn't going to be as long as I thought it would be. The End! lol. So instead of instinctively following the advice of others, I dove into God's Word today. Ephesians 5:22-23 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church." Let me tell you, there are many times when I honestly feel that things my husband does or how he wants things run is just plain silly. Apparently it's not the way I would do things, so it must be silly. Right? And then I fight and argue and "put my foot down". And sometimes, not often, I win. Ha ha! I have won! The feeling that 'I have won' out-rules the fact that at what cost did I win? Was winning said battle more important to me than my own marriage? How far am I willing to win? And how far am I willing to stop fighting my marriage and I start fighting for my marriage? It is hard for me to just surrender to my husband. Even reading the definition again of both submit and surrender, my natural reaction is to cringe. There is such negativity that comes from the word Submit. So again, I go to the Word. If you look at the verses just before verse 22 you'll see in Ephesians 5: 20-21, "giving thanks always for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." And directly after that it talks about wives submitting to their husbands. Funny that I read that verse and I can't even describe the excitement I get in submitting to others out of reverence to Christ, my Papa! Just seconds later though I read to submit to my husband and I cringe. Weird. 
I found quite a few verses today, so bear with me...

"Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of your hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening." 1 Peter 3: 3-6

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

"But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God." 1 Corinthians 11:3

What amazingly convicting passages. So in 1 Peter, God is telling me that I am to adorn myself with a quiet and gentle spirit? That I am to submit to my husband as Sarah did to Abraham? And she called him lord? What? My heart. Where is my heart right now? God says that a wife's inward beauty is precious in His sight. Precious. I have no words to describe what I am feeling other than I can in no way ever fully understand how deep my Papa's love for me goes. I see myself as one thing and He sees me as someone completely different. No, I don't feel very precious and I don't feel that I even come close to having a quiet and gentle heart when it comes to submitting to my husband. But God calls this precious. I'm pretty sure that our world or society wouldn't call being submissive very precious. So why? Why do I need to be submissive to my husband? Well, God showed me in 1 Corinthians that Christ is the head of every man. That the head of a wife is her own husband. And that God is the head of Christ. The word that comes to mind is from a book I read a while back in a book club. Trust. In reality, I fight submitting because deep down, for some reason (and I'll get to that), I don't trust my husband. Even further than that, I don't trust God with my husband. Oh I trust God with the little things and even the big things, but my husband? God has put my husband as the head of our home, our family, me. Somewhere between God showing me that in the book and now, I have forgotten about trusting God. I have forgotten that God is ultimately leading my husband who is leading me. My husband is in the Word, prays daily, stands firm to what he believes is right, and much more. So being reminded that by trusting my husband I am in reality trusting God, why is it so hard to submit still? Is it the constant back and forth of being dad and mom while he is gone? Is it because I think I know better than him? Why? I just don't know. I look forward though to when God is going to show me why. I look forward to Him cleaning out those rooms I've so desperately tried to keep hidden. 
"7 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Of where shall I flee from your presence? 8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! 9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night.' 12 Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for the darkness is as light with you." Psalm 139: 7-12 

So Who's to Blame? I Mean.. er.. Where to Start?

Well, a few things popped into my head. I could blame the media or the Women's Power movement. Those would be justifiable places to shift the blame. I mean, with all these shows that make the dad look like a goof and the mom look like the one in charge, who would blame a girl for "being influenced" by them and believing them? Well, although I do see that shift has occurred, I think it would be too easy to say that it was media influence or that it was because of a movement that happened before I was even born. It's an easy out, too easy. Well, alrighty, where can I go from there? Eve! The next best logical choice. Eve ate the apple. Right? Causing all woman kind to bear such great pain in childbirth. Eve. That has to be it. But as I see in Genesis 3:9-13, Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the Serpent. Hm. Well, if you continue to read in chapter 3 you will find that God curses the serpent, tells Eve that childbirth will hurt (thanks Eve) and that "your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you". Meaning that God knew that there would always be a constant struggle for power in the marriage relationship. God then continues on with Adam saying (now this is very important for me and a huge eye opener I learned earlier last year in Bible Study), "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, 'You shall not eat of it', cursed is the ground because of you:" (Gen. 3:17) Wow! So because of Eve influencing her husband, because he listened to her, the fall of man began. Eve had a choice when listening to the serpent. A choice. Me. I am to blame for me. Not the media, a movement, or even Eve. Eve had a choice to listen to God, but chose not to. I also have a choice. Yes, the fall of man does play a huge role in all our lives with sin, but we always have a choice of whether to cave into temptation and believe the lies that Satan is telling us or to choose to take every thought into captivity and reject the enemy. So even though there might be outside influences that would teach me or tell me that I have every right to... fill in the blank. Or it's not your fault.. society has taught you that... I still have a choice. And for reasons not shown to me at this time, I am choosing not to listen. Just as the power of that fruit was so tempting and irresistible to Eve, so is the power in my marriage. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands." Eph. 5:22-24
"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Eph. 5:33
Why is this so hard for me? It's not like God is asking me in these verses to respect or submit to my husband. No, He is commanding me to be respectful and submit to my husband. Not as a slave or not as a doormat, but that like a church submits to Christ. As Eph. 5:22 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." We teach our children that when they disobey, they are not only disobeying us, but they are ultimately disobeying God. These verses are a really good reminder for me that I am not just submitting to my husband, who God has placed as the head of our home, I am ultimately submitting to God, my Savior, my Papa. How convicting the day has been as I dive into God's Love Letter in search of the root of it all. The root as to why it's so hard to yield. I have so much more to learn, so much further to go. All joking aside as to who is to blame for my unwillingness to yield, I know I have a lot of time on my knees ahead of me because I know that I am ultimately the one to blame for my own stubbornness. Funny thing about my stubbornness is that I can't even seem to get on my knees. That's another why question. Setting all the stubbornness aside for a second, I love my husband. No doubt about it. There is no one like that man of mine and I couldn't feel more blessed to be called his wife. No matter how much I love him though, that's not what God has told me to do. Loving him isn't the problem, it's yielding myself to him that is the issue. And that, I continue to search...
"1 Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me! 2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. 5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it." Psalm 139: 1-6
That is why I go to my Papa. He knows me and cares for me and so much more. Who better to go to for answers than my Papa. There's so much more I'd love to write... until next time.    

The Beginning Of A Never Ending Journey

This is my journey as a wife. I have to say that over the last few years, I have really struggled to be respectful of my husband. I didn't realize it was that until we were stationed in Korea and I heard it from my awesome MOPS director Jill. Respecting my husband. What a concept. Between praying and reading my Bible, God showed me what needed to be changed. And let me say, it wasn't easy. Well, a few years later and I feel like I am right back in the same boat. I'm not sure if it's because God is constantly changing us as husband and wife, our likes and dislikes, or if I've fallen into the habit of holding onto his responsibilities. Feeling this sense of entitlement. I bore the children. I stay home with them. I carry all the responsibility while he is gone anyway, so why not continue. Some of that conscious and some unconscious that God has brought to my attention. Somewhere along the way, I have forgotten to see my husband through Jesus' eyes. I have failed to see that he is human too and continually fail to respect him unconditionally. This will not be a husband bashing blog. This will not be a blog where I complain and belittle my husband. This blog is a blog for me. This is a blog for my failures and for what God teaches me. On the flip side, I have to remember that without my husband (and God of course), we wouldn't have our children that I "bore myself". I wouldn't be able to be a stay at home mom without my husband supporting me. And just because I am home and "carry ALL (rolling my eyes) the responsibilities" of being home while he is away doesn't mean for a second that he isn't wishing he were home to take on those responsibilities. So why is it so hard for me to yield to my husband? Why is it so hard for me to, at the root of it, yield to God when it comes my to husband? Where does this feeling of entitlement come from? Well, I am going to find out. There was a point where after we left Korea, being respectful was more of a check off on my list. Work on myself. Check. Work on my marriage. Double check. How foolish. I know that God is constantly shaping and molding me. I know that no matter what, He will not be done shaping and molding me until He takes me Home. I also know that I can't change without God. So here we go...
"Lord, here I am again. Sitting at your feet, frustrated, confused, and just plain tired. I am tired of trying to do this marriage thing on my own, without you. Lord go into the dark rooms of my heart, the rooms I have shut off to you, and show me, change me, shape me, and mold me. Lord teach me. My Papa, my God. Help me surrender whatever needs to be surrendered so that I can glorify you in all my relationships, with you, my husband, my kids, my family, my friends. Papa, you promise "Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30"