Wait

"Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart, wait, I say, on the Lord." Psalm 27:14 

A few months ago, Brent and I made a very hard decision that will impact our family. We decided to separate from the Army. Once he returns from this deployment, we will have almost a year before he is to get out. 

I was sitting down completely confused. (of my own doing) God had brought it to Brent's attention first while he was deployed in 2010-11. In my stubbornness, I didn't see it as a good idea despite the confirmation Brent had gotten from God. So through a series of events and complete confirmation from God to both of us, the decision is final. Out of excitement and misunderstanding I jumped on the band wagon of planning everything out. Where we were going to go, what we were going to do. And in my quick decision making, the Lord also quickly said, "Wait". If there was one thing God had taught me during the last year or more, it was to wait. I tend to get excited about certain things and hear what I want to hear. So there I was, confused. I hadn't been myself and felt lost. I sat down to look up a few passages and remembered I hadn't been in the Word much that week, so I sat down and started where I had left off before moving on to the passages I had in mind. Funny thing is I can't even recall what those passages were. God stopped me in my tracks as I read the verse above. Wait. Wait on the Lord. I sat and looked up the word wait and wrote out what it meant. I sat for an hour and a half just writing on the word wait. 

Besides wait, God has been showing me not only what it means to submit to my husband, but how beautiful it is to submit to Him by submitting to my husband. I think I've struggled with this concept my whole married life. Submit has always been a negative thing in my eyes, but I am so thankful that God made me aware of it and is continuing to shape and mold me into who He wants me to be for Him. 

Wait. What a concept. Where would be all be if we just waited on the Lord? Instead of taking matters into our own hands, we wait on God's timing or for Him to show us what's next. I think many people's lives would be different. AS for right now, the confirmation has been given, we are following God's leading and getting out of the Army. As to what comes after that.. we are waiting. 

Ding!

It has been quite some time since I've written. I guess that means that I have it all figured out and there is no need to write/think it out any more. Glad that is over. lol. Well no of course. The last few weeks have had it's ups and downs. If there's one thing I notice is that for me there are good days or weeks where I don't feel that pull or that need to rise up against Brent. Then there are those times when I really could care less and just say and do what I please. I know that sin nature plays a huge role of course.
  (Eve! a little side note.. apparently I have expressed my Eve!ness to my kids and now I'll hear the kids talking about when Adam and Eve sinned and I'll over hear, Man Eve! Hehe.. kind of funny to me. Makes me chuckle a bit) 
I also know that we are in a constant battle with our flesh. I do have to say that I feel a change in myself. Not patting myself on the back here.. far from it. In fact I feel as though I still have more to learn on respecting Brent. I feel a peace. Over the last few weeks I feel as though the light bulb went on. Ding! I got it! Funny how when I seem to be getting it, the enemy is right there to boost my self esteem. "Good job Katie!" Pat on the back. Yes for a short few days I did want to pat myself on the back because things were running smoothly and I was understanding what it meant to be a respectful wife, but I was quickly reminded with a few moody weeks inbetween, that I did not gain that knowledge on my own. Oh how quickly we fall and I have to say, how thankful I am that God doesn't allow me to stay in that place. I am thankful for His sometimes gentle reminder that it is He and only He who reveals those things to me. 
It is quite interesting how God works when I ask Him for certain things, well even when I don't, but especially when I do. It isn't about finding the answer. Why can't I respect Brent? Or why do I have an attitude? What it's really about comes no where close to my attitude with Brent but my attitude with God. 
I love hearing other wives talk about their husbands. Not in a bad way, but in that mushy gushy way. You know, the girl who just married and is so blissfully and wonderfully in love with her husband. You paint this picture in your mind about who this man is and through her eyes what a wonderful man he is. What I love even more is a woman who has been married to her hero for years and paints this beautiful picture of who her husband is through God's eyes. Never a hint of his failures. Never dishonoring or disrespecting who he is as a man, a husband, a father. I love to hear how she is still so mushy gushy in love with her man. Her words are honoring and building her husband up. I can't say that mine have always been that way or that I don't find myself leaving a conversation thinking, "Was that honoring my husband?" I can't say I always walking away knowing I was honoring with my words. Sometimes I get so carried away in conversation I sit back and think, "Did I just say that?" 
So yeah, that's where I am at right now. Still reading, still diving, still learning. 

The Heart Speaks Volumes

As I was studying words, lips, tongue, and speak this week, God brought something else to my attention. Over the last few weeks, God has been showing me that I have a critical heart. Now, it's not toward everyone. He's showed me that I have a critical heart toward my husband. Awesome. So why just him? I'm not sure really. Regardless, I do. "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Matt. 12:34b (I guess I answered my own question here) What an amazing verse! God has been hitting me over the head with this in the messages at church, conversations with my Hunny, and through His Word and I'm now finally starting to see it. The root of what I have been looking for has been inside me all along, my heart. Where is my heart toward my husband? Am I seeing him through God's eyes? Am I extending him grace as he is a sinner just like me? Am I allowing myself to trust God with my husband? Where does my heart lie? My heart is searching. Searching His Love Letter so that I can be the wife God intends me to be. This last Sunday I was encouraged by what Pastor Kory said.. "The transforming of the heart happens through the studying and reading of the Word." So I am going to keep going and keep searching and keep reading. I'm going to keep praying and continue having this amazing relationship with my Papa because..
"17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand, I awake, and I am still with you."
"23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! 24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139: 17-18, 23-24

How Deep the Father's Love 
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that left Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Because of His deep, great love for me. That's why I keep going. 

Words to the Wise

Earlier this week I had a horrible morning. God called to my heart, so I sat at His feet and was filled with His Word. I prayed and sobbed and asked for forgiveness. As I sat for a little bit, I started thinking of my words and how great of an impact my words and my actions have on not only the family and friends around me, but what great impact it has on my husband and our kids. I sat down and wrote Speak in my notebook that I use when I am digging deeper in God's Word. So I went to my concordance and looked up all the verses dealing with the word, "speak". Then I wrote "Word(s)", "Lips", "Tongue". I was amazed by how many verses there were in my concordance alone. From just the ones I picked out from my Bible for all 4 words were 47. That's not including the verses that I didn't look up or the many verses that my concordance doesn't even touch on! That's incredible! I am guessing that God wants me to know just how important my words are and when to speak and when to listen. There were an overwhelming amount of verses that God used to speak to me on Monday morning. If I wrote them all out, well, it would be a lot of verses because as I looked at the surrounding verses to each passage, I saw that it wasn't just the verse that was important, it was the passage or the verses before or after that verse. Here are a few verses that really spoke to my heart..

"And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father though Him." Colossians 3:17

"25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil." Ephesians 4:25-27

"When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent." Proverbs 10:19

"A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated." Proverbs 14:17

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body." Proverbs 16:24

"27 Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. 28 Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent." Prov. 17: 27-28

"A fools lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invited a beating." Prov. 18:6

And those are barely grazing all the verses! My heart was filled that day sitting at His feet. Verse after verse showing me that what I say should not be taken lightly and that the words from my mouth should line up with what scripture says. I am an example to our children and am to be not only teaching them the Biblical response to things, but also living out the Word. The words that came out of my mouth that morning are covered by His blood and I am thankful. Now what am I going to do with what He showed me that morning? 

Resistance

Friday was the big day! I finally got to talk to Brent after 2 long weeks of silence. I have to say, it didn't go as I had thought. Oh I was excited to hear from him and was definitely ready for him to be home soon, but as we started talking that night, I felt a resistance rising up inside me. Oh sure, it's easier to respect Brent while he is gone more than it is to respect him while he is physically here. When he is home I am face to face with actually having to work at my marriage and having to respect him. There isn't the face to face interaction and if we get in an argument on the phone, I know that by the next time we talk on the phone, things will have calmed down, blown over, and we will be able to keep going. Not face to face for me. Reality sets in and I won't be able to just hang up the phone and wait for things to blow over. It's what I've known since we were dating. It is easier for me to talk to my husband over the phone about things than it is face to face. We dated for 1.5 years and out of that 1.5 years, we physically saw each other about 2 months total. Resistance. I do have to say though that I only felt that the first time we talked on Friday. One thing that I have learned through this short period of blogging is that when I feel that way or start to focus on all the negative things or my thoughts run wild on me, I have to run to the scripture. Friday night I wanted to run to my Bible and start researching and reading and looking things up because I know that is where truth lies. I might not fully know where God will take me or what all of this is about, but I sure do know that my place of refuge is in Christ. I didn't actually get a chance to dive in like I had wanted to, but a verse from last time I blogged really stuck out to me when I thought of that resistance I felt toward Brent. "8 Be sober minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world." 1 Peter 5:8-9 'Resist him' That part of the verse stuck out so much in my head the last few days. The enemy wants me to fail. He wants me to feel that resistance to my husband and not to himself. So those feelings of resistance toward Brent coming home and actually having to put what I am learning into practice, although a little scary, are feelings not placed there by my Papa. They are the enemy's way of distracting me and causing me to doubt all that God is doing and teaching me and what I am learning through all of this. As for right now, this minute, my focus is on God and the things He is showing me. I know that I will have to adjust and then readjust and then readjust to the adjusting. lol. I'll have to adjust to him being home and then leaving again. Sigh. I know that the next few weeks will be a roller coaster of emotions as each time apart and each time we reunite, there is always an adjusting period. Relearning to physically include daddy into our lives. It's easy to keep him fresh in our minds as we go around the table talking about our favorite things about daddy. We include daddy in spirit and keep on going. It's hard to get into a routine, have him come home, adjust for a few months, try to include him in everything we do, and then just watch him walk out the door again. It's probably the thing I hate the most about being married to the Army. As for right now, that is life. (written a few days ago before Brent came home)

So Where 's the Balance?

Busy ~ engaged in action, being in use, full of activity, foolish or intrusively active, full of distraction. Busywork ~ work that usually appears productive or of intrinsic value but actually only keeps one occupied.
"4 Do not let my heart incline to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deeds in company with men who work iniquity" Psalm 141:4
Idle ~ lacking worth or basis, not occupied or employed: as having no employment, not turned to normal or appropriate use, not scheduled to compete, having no evident lawful means of support
Lazy ~ disinclined to activity or exertion; not energetic or vigorous, encouraging inactivity or indolence, moving slowly, placed on it's side, not rigorous or strict
"15 Slothfulness casts into a deep sleep, and an idle person will suffer hunger." Proverbs 19:15
"13 Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not." 1 Timothy 5:13
So where's the balance? I have to say that when I am busy, I seem to forget what needs to be changed in me. I seem to be too busy to hear God speaking. I forget that honoring my husband is something that I have to work at, not something that gets pushed to the side because it doesn't fit with my plans to keep moving forward. On the flip side, if I slow down, I think of everything. I have more time to think about the good or bad things I like or don't like about my husband. I have more time to stew on an argument we had 3 days ago. (just throwing out examples.. still can't talk to Brent just yet) So where is the balance. If I'm too busy I ignore whatever is going on and just keep going. If I'm idle long enough, I focus on all the negative things. Not always, but a lot of the time, especially when I am able to talk with Brent or he's here with us. I guess that's what God says, "8  Be sober minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 I don't really think it matters to Satan how busy or idle we are, he still knows our weaknesses and pounces on them like a lion. What a powerful image that is of the lion. If I were lost in Africa, I am pretty sure that I would want to be drunk, over-tired, or in la la land. If I were, there's no way I would survive. "Be sober minded; be watchful." What an amazing Papa. He is warning me. I can't be sober minded or watchful if I am too busy or distracted. And I can't be sober minded and watchful when I am being idle. So I'm brought back to the question, where's my balance? How do I balance and juggle between being busy and being idle? Honestly the first thing that came to mind was at Jesus' feet. 
While being busy, I haven't had time to sit and ponder on what needs to be changed in me. I haven't had time to sit and think about where my husband falls short. I do tend to think more about all of that when I am not so busy, but then I just turn on the tv like any person and drown out my problems. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming I just want to escape. And my problems aren't even that huge. I'm pretty sure that's not the right response. As I've written before "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matt. 11:28. I guess that is where my answer lies, in Christ. He will show me, He will teach me. 
God really has been bringing 1 Peter 5:8 to my attention with being busy. As I went to go and look up the passage, I kept reading. "9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:9-10 God's promise. That in resisting the temptation to be too busy or too idle, God will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me. I'm also encouraged knowing that I am not the only one that goes through all of this. I am encouraged that there are other women who are out there going through the same things as I am. It makes me not feel so isolated and alone in this struggle of honoring my husband... 

A Little Off Course..

Well, not sure if it's because I have been so busy or what, but I am at a lull. Lulls aren't a bad thing of course. There have been a few things I have thought about and that I have tossed around, but there's one for now that keeps coming back to me. It's easier to respect my husband when he is gone rather that when he is here. For those of you who have known Brent and I through our dating period and even just when he would call every once in a while, our beginnings started over the phone. Innocent phone calls that didn't grow into anything until I was not in a relationship. Phone calls that would occur once a month, then after I wasn't in a relationship any longer, he would call twice a month and then it became every week, and then every day, then 6 hours a day. Hey, we were crazy and well, for those of you who know Brent, he's long winded. lol. Ok, ok, I am. Anyway, my point is that we started out, oh well, we were apparently friends and hung out with the same friends while in youth group, but I don't remember him very much. Whoops! So from the time he started calling.. then it gradually grew the summer before college for me, everything about us was over the phone. I did go and visit him in Germany for 5 weeks and that pretty much was a make or break point. We had talked on the phone so long and hadn't seen each other in a year and a half. How would we be around each other? Of course, almost 9 years later this January, we obviously hit it off. I have to say though, and I am pretty sure I speak for just me here, I have this tendency to fairy tale things. I focus on all the good things about Brent while he is away and forget all about the things that bug me or annoy me. I'm pretty sure that's a general consensus. We were raised differently, we see things differently, we do things differently. Those first few months of marriage were hard for me. There were times that I would sit back and be like, "Who on earth is this person?" It's not because he wasn't that person all along, it's because I built up this expectation of a person from phone calls. It's the same every time Brent is gone. I have these expectations I put on him that he in no way can achieve, so when he comes back and he isn't the person I have built him up to be in my head, I look down on him. I judge him. I criticize him. On everything! He honestly can never do anything right at times. Well, right in my eyes. So again, I have to go back to seeing my husband through God's eyes. I need to stop putting these unrealistic expectations on him. I need to stop trying to change him and shape and mold him bc that's really not my job. What I really need to be doing is praying for him. Praying for God's guidance, His protection not only in safety issues like driving to work or flying or something, but also protection of the mind. There are a lot of temptations out there and the enemy is coming at both of us constantly! I also need to be praying for protection of my own mind, my thoughts. Ladies, I'm not sure about any of you, but I know for me when Brent and I argue, boy oh boy. The thoughts that run through my head. "Well fine, if he doesn't want to.. I'm going to do it myself! Oh I can't believe he said that to me so insensitive like that.." And on and on it goes, sometimes for days! And let me tell you, when my poor unexpectant husband tries to hug me or encourage me, it's unleashed! The poor guy is standing there baffled because not only am I unleashing, I am also unleashing this argument that has been going on in my head for days and I am angry at him for words he never even spoke to me. And there are times that I resolve an argument in my head. Ladies, you know what I am talking about here? Is this normal? I'm not sure, but I know it's not healthy. So, I pray that my every thought is taken into captivity. A sweet friend gave me a note card with a verse on it. "8 Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Phil. 4:8 She gave it to me quite a few months ago and I tucked it away in a Bible I hadn't used in a while. I was nervous about starting a new job and out fell this card with such a sweet reminder. What a great verse to help my thoughts stay focused on God. To not let the enemy come in and just down-spiral my thoughts. Those thoughts can be dangerous not only to me, but to my husband and our children. There is nothing good that comes from those thoughts..

Ps.. I don't think I even came close to talking about the difficulties of respecting Brent while he is home vs. while he is away. For another night then... Guess my Papa had other plans. :)